Review of Australian Fiction Volume 4 Issue 6 Read online

  Volume 4: Issue 6

  Ryan O'Neill & Patrick Cullen

  Imprint

  Published by Review of Australian Fiction

  “The Minutes” Copyright © 2012 by Ryan O'Neill

  “Hemingway’s Unfaithful Wife” Copyright © 2012 by Patrick Cullen

  www.reviewofaustralianfiction.com

  Editorial

  This is the final issue of the Review of Australian Fiction for the year. Twenty-four issues—forty-eight stories—under our virtual belts. That’s the first year down, and hopefully there are many more years—and many more stories—to come.

  It is a pleasure to introduce the first writer in the current issue, Mr Ryan O'Neill, not just because he has given us a great story, “The Minutes”, but because this issue also coincides with the launch of a new RAF blog, The Short of It, which will be fully manned by Mr O'Neill himself. The blog will look at the development and practice of short fiction in Australia, as well as looking at some international short fiction. There will be reviews of short story collections, past and present, interviews with short story writers discussing their work, and regular updates on short story-related events and publication opportunities in Australia and beyond.

  Earlier this year, Ryan O'Neill seemed to burst onto the literary stage fully formed with the publication of his much acclaimed collection of short fiction, The Weight of the Human Heart. Of course, like many of the stories in this collection—and just like the story in the current issue of the RAF—things are not quite what they seem: far from bursting fully formed, O'Neill has been honing his craft over time. His work has won the Hal Porter and Roland Robinson awards and been shortlisted for the Queensland Premier’s Steele Rudd Award and the Age Short-Story Prize. And The Weight of the Human Heart is actually his third collection of stories, following A Famine in Newcastle and Six Tenses, which were published by Ginninderra Press.

  The writer that Ryan has chosen to be paired with here is Patrick Cullen, author of What Came Between (2009), a fine collection of short fiction. The story Patrick has contributed here is “Hemingway’s Unfaithful Wife”, which fictionalises an important turning point in Ernest Hemingway’s development as a writer.

  I think you will like these stories, and we hope that you have enjoyed all the stories that we have brought you over the year. There are a few surprises next year, which we hope will add a further level of dynamism to our little experiment in digital publishing.

  Enjoy.

  The Minutes

  Ryan O'Neill

  The Armstrong Family

  * * *

  The meeting was called to order in the dining room of the Armstrong Family Residence by Father at 6:30pm on Saturday 25th November 2011.

  * * *

  1. Procedural Matters

  * * *

  Attendees

  * * *

  Father Armstrong (President, Treasurer, Head of Discipline, Chief of Social Club, Spiritual and Temporal Head of the Family)

  * * *

  Mother Armstrong (Secretary)

  * * *

  Ruth Armstrong (Oldest Daughter)

  * * *

  Toby Armstrong (Beloved Son, Heir)

  * * *

  Guests

  * * *

  Peter Wilde (Toby’s friend and teammate from University Wrestling Team)

  * * *

  Apologies

  * * *

  Carrie Armstrong (Youngest Daughter, Slut)

  * * *

  Motion to welcome the President home after six days in hospital. (Mother)

  * * *

  The Secretary, on behalf of the Armstrong Family, wished to extend a warm welcome on the return of the President from hospital after having an operation on his varicose veins. In the time he was away, the President was much missed.

  * * *

  The President offered his thanks to the Secretary, and the other members of the Armstrong Family.

  * * *

  2. Reading and Approval of Minutes from Previous Meeting

  * * *

  The minutes of the previous meeting (20th October 2011) were distributed and read out by the Secretary. The President noted the misspelling of ‘fornicator’ and asked that it be corrected. Furthermore, the President ordered that ‘Carrie’s fiancé, Steve’ be altered to ‘Carrie’s fancy man, Steve.’ Ruth requested that ‘banished from this house forevermore’ be changed to ‘stormed out of the house and swore never to return while Father was alive.’ The Secretary concurred, but was overruled by the President. The minutes were then approved.

  * * *

  3. Approval of Reports

  * * *

  A. The Used Condom Investigative Committee (Father)

  * * *

  The UCIC presented its findings after an exhaustive three month enquiry into the presence of a used condom in the kitchen rubbish bin, as discovered by the President on 4th August 2011. After questioning Ruth under oath for several hours on the 6th, 14th, 25th and 30th August, as well as further questioning on a weekly basis throughout October, the UCIC has absolved her of any involvement in the matter. The UCIC assures Toby it accepts he is completely innocent of any wrongdoing. It is to the UCIC’s regret that it cannot present Carrie’s response to questioning, as blasphemy and swearing are outlawed under section 24(b) of the Family Charter. Because of this, and Carrie’s unavailability for further interrogation, the UCIC is sorry to inform the Family that the guilty party has not been identified. However, the committee retains grave suspicions on the matter, and will not rest until the guilty party has been caught and shamed.

  * * *

  B. The Refuse Examination Sub-committee (Mother)

  * * *

  After examining the Family rubbish every night for three months, this committee had nothing to report.

  * * *

  The President admonished the committee not to relax in its vigilance.

  * * *

  C. A Report on the NSW State Wrestling Championships 24-26 October 2011 (Toby)

  * * *

  Toby presented his report on taking part in the Wrestling Competition held in Sydney. It was recalled that Toby was only allowed to attend the competition on the condition he was chaperoned by Peter Wilde, the son of John Wilde, a colleague and good friend of the President. Toby went on to describe their journey on the train to Sydney, and their witnessing several youths drinking alcohol. These youths began to make fun of Toby, but Peter spoke to them, and they appeared not to be as bad as Toby had first feared. In fact, they proved very friendly once you got to know them. After arriving in Sydney, Toby advised going straight to their hotel, but Peter insisted they should accompany the youths in order that they might keep them out of trouble. Toby agreed, but they had to go to a bar to do so. Toby had little money, so Peter bought him several soft drinks. After some time, Toby became ill and Peter had to take him to the hotel. Unfortunately, the next morning Toby felt too sick to attend the championships. Selflessly, Peter decided to miss his own competition and stay in the hotel room with Toby for the next two days and nights, nursing him.

  * * *

  The President offered a vote of thanks to Toby for attempting to redeem the wayward youths, and Peter for looking after his son in his time of trouble.

  * * *

  D. A Report on the Newcastle University History Symposium 5 November 2011. (Ruth)

  * * *

  Ruth began her report on the Symposium, where she presented her paper: ‘Stalin: How the General Secretary Became the Great Leader.’ The President regretfully informed Ruth that time was pressing, and so they could not listen to her report in full. The President was forced
to silence Ruth as she ignored his request to move on to the next item on the agenda.

  * * *

  E. Utilities Report and Boundary Fence update (Father)

  * * *

  Father expressed disappointment at the 12% increase in the quarterly water bill, and 16% increase in the quarterly electricity bill. As Utilities Coordinator, Father indicated he would start to time showers taken by Family members and limit them to three minutes. Furthermore, ‘lights out’ would now be twelve minutes earlier, at 9.17 pm.

  * * *

  In addition, Father complained that Mr Johnson would not take his concerns about their shared boundary fence seriously, and that if action was not taken by the end of the month, Father would instruct his lawyer to send a letter of warning to Mr Johnson. Mother brought up the fact that Mr Johnson had been of great help to the Family while Father was in hospital, and expressed thanks for Mr Johnson’s companionship.

  * * *

  Mother was ordered by the President not to speak to Mr Johnson again.

  * * *

  4. New Business

  * * *

  A. Budget for October-November 2011 (Father)

  * * *

  The Treasurer regretted to report that the expenditure reports prepared by all Family members were inadequate. For instance, the Secretary had overspent her housekeeping this month by the grotesque sum of $350.00. Also, Toby and Ruth had not set aside any of their pocket money for saving, despite the fact they are now both over twenty-one, and so receive a supplement from the Treasurer for this purpose. The Family were reminded that any shortfall must be made up by the following month, or the Treasurer could not rule out legal action. B. Motion to purchase a wedding present for Carrie, and supplementary motion to attend the wedding. (Ruth)

  * * *

  Ruth reminded the Family that Carrie was to be married in two weeks, and asked permission to buy her a wedding present, and to attend the wedding. Ruth further declared that she had gone through Carrie’s wedding Gift Registry, and there was a beautiful set of silver cutlery that could be purchased for just under $350.00.

  * * *

  The President expressed his surprise and displeasure at the raising of such a sensitive issue at this time.

  * * *

  Vote: The motion was approved three to one, but the President used his powers of veto, as described in the Family Charter, section 4(2e).

  * * *

  Motion denied.

  * * *

  C. Motion to leave the Family Residence. (Toby)

  * * *

  Toby stated that as he was now twenty-two years old, he wished to ask permission to leave the Family Residence and live independently. Prolonged questioning by the President elicited the fact that Toby intended to share an apartment with Peter. Toby requested an advance of $5,000 on his pocket money to facilitate this move.

  * * *

  Vote: The motion was approved three to one, but the President used his powers of veto, as described in the Family Charter, section 4(2e).

  * * *

  Motion denied.

  * * *

  The President wished the record to reflect that if Toby left home, he would not receive a single cent.

  * * *

  5. Adjournment

  * * *

  There being no further business, the President motioned that the meeting be adjourned at 7:41pm.

  * * *

  Vote: The motion was rejected by three to one. The President was reminded that he could not use his powers of veto on an adjournment motion.

  * * *

  The motion was not carried.

  * * *

  6. Other Business

  * * *

  A. The Nominating Committee’s Report

  * * *

  Point of Order: The President expressed his astonishment, as this report was not mentioned in the agenda. The Secretary responded that an amended agenda had been circulated on Saturday 17th November, 2011, when the President was still in hospital. A copy of the agenda had been placed on the desk in the President’s office. Ruth added that under section 6(8) of the Family Charter, it was every Family member’s responsibility to read amended agenda.

  * * *

  The President, reluctantly, agreed to hear the report.

  * * *

  The Secretary then read out the following:

  * * *

  The Nominating Committee held an extraordinary meeting on Sunday 18th November, 2011. Present were the Secretary, Carrie Armstrong, Ruth Armstrong, Toby Armstrong, Steve Mullen and Peter Wilde.

  * * *

  During this meeting, Ruth Armstrong informed the committee that after an exhaustive study of the Family Charter, she had discovered that a new president could be elected if the current president was absent from the house for more than four days, and did not respond to a written request to appear before the Nominating Committee. Such a request had been put forward to the President, and he had not yet responded.

  * * *

  Ruth further informed the committee that if no response was received by the next meeting then the President would be forced to step down, and the Secretary take his place. Such an action could be carried out if voted for by a quorum, and if endorsed by two witnesses who were not Family members.

  * * *

  The motion to remove the President if he did not respond to the Committee’s summons was voted on, and carried unanimously. This motion was witnessed and recorded as ordered by the Family Charter.

  * * *

  Therefore, effective immediately, the new posts in the Armstrong Family are as follows:

  * * *

  Mother Armstrong (President)

  * * *

  Toby Armstrong (Treasurer)

  * * *

  Ruth Armstrong (Secretary)

  * * *

  The offices of Head of Discipline, Chief of Social Club, and Spiritual and Temporal Head of the Family are abolished forthwith.

  * * *

  Point of Order: Father Armstrong protested in the strongest possible terms that these actions were unconstitutional. In response, Ruth Armstrong produced a copy of the Family Charter with each relevant clause and sub clause highlighted, proving to the satisfaction of the new President that their actions were legitimate. Father motioned for an immediate halt to the meeting to give him more time to study the Family Charter. The Secretary replied that since he had written the charter, he did not require that time.

  * * *

  Vote: The motion was rejected three to one.

  * * *

  Motion denied.

  * * *

  Point of Order: Father Armstrong was reminded that swearing and blasphemy were expressly forbidden under section 24(b) of the Family Charter. Toby Armstrong motioned that Father be removed from the house until he had calmed down.

  * * *

  Vote: The motion was approved three to one.

  * * *

  Motion carried.

  * * *

  Father was removed from the house by Peter and Toby.

  * * *

  B. Items for Approval

  * * *

  The following items were approved unanimously:

  i. $5,000 to Toby Armstrong so that he may move out of the Family Residence.

  ii. Carrie Armstrong to no longer be referred to as ‘slut’ in any Family correspondence or conversation.

  iii. Peter Wilde’s title to be amended from ‘Toby’s friend’ to ‘Toby’s boyfriend.’

  iv. All Family members to RSVP to Carrie Armstrong’s wedding invitations which the President (then Secretary) had retrieved from the rubbish.

  v. A Party to be held within the next week to celebrate the commendation Ruth Armstrong received at the History symposium.

  vi. The Used Condom Investigative Committee to be disbanded immediately. The President is aware of the culprit, and feels that it would only upset Father to no good purpose if she were identified.

  vii. Mr Johnson to be invited to the Family Reside
nce for a special lunch on a day when Father is at work. Mother will then offer him her personal thanks on behalf of the Family.

  * * *

  7. Next Meeting